Weekends are so long without Rob. Whether they are filled with activities or not. Sometimes it’s as though the five of us are counting down the minutes till the sun sinks away and we can head off to bed. We feel sluggish, restless, cranky. Nothing satisfies. And then I remember and ask, “Are you missingContinue reading “Weekends”
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The Song Creation Sings
I don’t have to sit still for long before concerns creep into my mind. How will my kids thrive growing up without their dad? Can l be adequate for the task of raising them alone? How will I answer all of their questions? What should I do with the years that now spread out emptyContinue reading “The Song Creation Sings”
A Deep Well of Comfort
Within minutes of receiving the news of Rob’s death, my brain went into survival mode. I’ve heard it described as “numb” or “brain fog” or “overload.” All good descriptions for how I felt in those first hours, and the days and early weeks that followed. If you’ve ever come out of anesthesia after surgery, youContinue reading “A Deep Well of Comfort”
The Winter of Grief
The work of grieving is much like waiting out the winter. I can’t rush it. I can’t make it go away. Try as I might, I can’t reinvent it into something more palatable. Escape it? Grief, like winter, will be waiting at my doorstep when I return. In this season of darkness and sadness, whenContinue reading “The Winter of Grief”
Jesus Will Take Care of Me
Sitting vigil with my first feverish child since Rob died, and I’m reminded of how much reassurance and peace he used to bring me when one of the kids was sick. There are so many ways you lose a person when he dies. We always had a system. I’d manage the sick one, and he’dContinue reading “Jesus Will Take Care of Me”
Bent But Not Crushed
Along the edges of alpine meadows stand these sorts of trees. At elevations of 6000+ feet, they are weighed down with snow for many months of the year, and they grow very slowly. A tree this size might be close to 30 years old but barely shoulder high. But God designed them for resilience. DespiteContinue reading “Bent But Not Crushed”
Looking to the Future
Sometimes Rob and I used to look at our kids laughing and having a great time together, and we’d talk about how someday they’d be the core and we’d be on the edges. The generational shift happens in every family (or at least it should). The years pass, and the parents recede into their rolesContinue reading “Looking to the Future”
Lasts and Firsts
The day this picture was taken, I hadn’t showered in about a week. I’d washed my hair in a bucket at our campsite, and that was all I needed to feel fresh and so clean clean. No makeup, just the warm brown of summer skin. And about five layers of clothing because I’m a paranoidContinue reading “Lasts and Firsts”
Goodbye, Old Year
As 2019 comes to a close, we’re wrapping up All the Small Poems and Fourteen More, our 89th family read aloud since we began keeping track five years ago and our 6th since Rob died. Ritual has provided refuge in our loss, and bedtime read alouds are among the most precious rituals we engage inContinue reading “Goodbye, Old Year”
O Gracious Light
This week we completed our journey to Bethlehem. What a beautiful glow, all of the candles lit together! We couldn’t quite leave the candles behind, so we’ve continued lighting them into Christmastide (or until they grow too tiny for our Advent spiral). In our family prayer time on Christmas night, we prayed the “earliest knownContinue reading “O Gracious Light”