I love you like this because I don’t know any other way to love,except in this form in which I am not nor are you, so close that your hand upon my chest is mine, so close that your eyes close with my dreams. Pablo Neruda, One Hundred Love Sonnets: XVII 19 years ago today, Rob askedContinue reading “Me Without You”
Category Archives: Marriage
What Shall I Give Unto the Lord?
For years, Rob sang a particular psalm to our kids at bedtime. He’d sit on the floor in their darkened bedrooms and sing to settle them as they headed off to sleep. I’d stand at the doorway as the tune washed over me at the day’s close. “What shall I give unto the Lord, forContinue reading “What Shall I Give Unto the Lord?”
A Different Kind of Birth
My fourth pregnancy poked along to the very end. I often tell my youngest, “You were just so comfy inside you didn’t want to come out!” On a sunny spring day, after labor had stopped and started all day, Rob finally convinced me to call my midwife for encouragement and an update. “Just relax,” sheContinue reading “A Different Kind of Birth”
The Love That Remains
Today this thought struck me as I rode my bike: Rob is never coming back. A year after his death, you might say, “Duh.” And part of me would heartily agree. Even a cursory look at my everyday life makes it obvious. The dentist no longer calls with Rob’s appointment reminders. Our bank accounts bearContinue reading “The Love That Remains”
Listening For His Voice
When I leave my children home alone, we keep Rob’s phone on the kitchen island in case they need to call me while I’m out. My kids know the phone is only for emergencies, but I try to check up on them regularly when I’m gone. Leaving your kids after loss is a complex process,Continue reading “Listening For His Voice”
45 Days to Go: A Lament
It’s June 4, 2020. Just 45 days until it has been a year since you died. I can’t believe I’ve lived so long without you. And yet, that is what my life will always be now — lived without you. The thought tears me wide open. I miss you like it was yesterday. I knowContinue reading “45 Days to Go: A Lament”
Meeting Rob Moll
Back in my college days, if you were a guy, you had to get past me to get to my sister. I was Rosemary Clooney straight out of White Christmas: “Lord, help the mister who comes between me and my sister!” Whenever my sister had a love interest, I made sure to research him wellContinue reading “Meeting Rob Moll”
Poetry Friday: “All You Who Sleep Tonight”
After seventeen years of marriage, sleeping alone in our bed evokes a deep, intimate loneliness. I miss Rob every time I turn off the light and slip beneath my blankets. Since he died, many nights I just can’t do it. I grab a sleeping bag and pillow and camp out for the night on theContinue reading “Poetry Friday: “All You Who Sleep Tonight””
The One Who Lost Her Husband
“Oh, you’re the one who lost her husband,” she says as I introduce myself and shake her hand. “Yes, that’s me,” I reply. I wonder now if she caught my name, or if this single event in my life will be my defining feature, the one thing she remembers each time she sees my face.Continue reading “The One Who Lost Her Husband”
The Nicest Gift You Could Give
The year after our first daughter was born, Rob gave me a Kitchen-Aid standing mixer for Mother’s Day. In secret, he headed down to our local Williams-Sonoma store and picked it out. We’d only been married for three years. He didn’t yet realize how much I hate to cook. In those years, we were prettyContinue reading “The Nicest Gift You Could Give”
