Looking to the Future

Sometimes Rob and I used to look at our kids laughing and having a great time together, and we’d talk about how someday they’d be the core and we’d be on the edges. The generational shift happens in every family (or at least it should). The years pass, and the parents recede into their roles as the patriarchs and matriarchs. The children grow into their roles as family leaders. We always believed that the best gift we could give our kids relationally was the space to develop emotionally close relationships with each other that would stand the test of time and survive that shift.

I love to see moments of deep love between my children. His death has bonded them together in ways that only adversity can. Now, though, when I think about the generational shift that’s sure to come, I feel deeply lonely. It’s easy to envision the potential in their young lives, harder to envision a future for myself in this life I now live alone.

In grief, even the good times are tinged with sorrow. When I see my kids happy together, I think of all the years — Lord willing — they have ahead together. Standing in each other’s weddings. Bouncing each other’s babies on their knees. Sharing work struggles and family vacation ideas. Shouldering burdens together. And all of this I will watch and celebrate without him beside me.

I know my steps are ordered by God. I believe that my future is in His good hands. Even so, there’s so much that will be missing from the days ahead.

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